This isn’t straightforward for me to put in writing as a result of I’m publicly declaring what many would contemplate a weak spot. A personality flaw. A failure. However right here it goes: I’ve been combating it for years — but I’ve solely just lately sought therapy for depression with nervousness.
It has taken many kinds through the years. Name it high-functioning depression as a result of I’m nonetheless capable of look after my youngsters, carry out day-to-day duties, run marathons and have a profitable profession. Name it seasonal affective dysfunction (SAD) as a result of it’s 10 instances worse throughout the winter months and, oddly, in the center of summer season. Name it postpartum depression as a result of it worsened after my second baby after which once more after my third baby.
Regardless of the season, how “effectively” I’m outwardly coping or if it’s inside a 12 months after having a child, it’s at all times there simply beneath the floor. Lingering. Coming in waves. Higher some days, worse others. Almost gone for per week or two after which dragging me into the depths of existential despair for weeks on finish. And nobody has even identified.
As a result of that is what depression can appear to be.
In addition to this.
And even this.
Most days I would possibly seem to be I have every part greater than collectively. (And I wouldn’t inform you in any other case.) However I don’t.
So did it take so lengthy for me to get identified — particularly with the postpartum depression screenings which might be achieved at each well-child checkups and post-delivery checkups? They are saying hindsight is 20/20. I can see now that I slipped through the cracks for a quantity of causes.
1) My depression/nervousness presents principally as irritability and anger, not the stereotypical crying/lethargy/weight change/incapacity to get out of mattress in the morning. Since I couldn’t establish with many of the frequent signs, I didn’t acknowledge my struggles for what they have been.
2) I was in denial. I didn’t know high-functioning depression was a factor till just lately. Even so, I was coping with life with out addressing my points for this lengthy, so it couldn’t be depression. I was stronger than that.
three) Since my baseline is usually “depressed,” postpartum depression didn’t really feel like the finish of the world; it simply added one other layer, a (otherwise) shitty valley I would finally get through.
four) I didn’t know tips on how to ask for assist. After I had my third baby, I lastly had sufficient braveness to speak truthfully with my OB-gyn about how I was feeling. I stuffed out the postpartum depression questionnaire, coloring in the bubbles indicating I felt anxious/depressed “some days” or “most days,” as an alternative of “by no means.” When requested how I was doing, I admitted typically I had a panicky feeling, couldn’t cool down, had hassle sleeping, felt responsible and nugatory for no motive, and many others., however that I was coping.
Although I most likely sounded convincing, I nonetheless marvel why I wasn’t flagged for PPD. Was it my lack of crying? Or, that I didn’t have a “historical past” of PPD with my different youngsters? Possibly. That, and he or she didn’t know me. How may she have identified I’d should be in a fairly unhealthy place to point there was even a slight probability I would possibly need assistance — and that displaying this vulnerability was an enormous purple flag?
It was solely just lately that I’ve reached out to my major care doctor for assist. (And I’m getting it.) I’ve determined to share my expertise to let others who could relate know they’re not alone — and that they don’t should proceed struggling in silence. As a result of I did for much too lengthy.