Right this moment is my due date. However as an alternative of sitting at dwelling, huge, pregnant, glad, and ready, I’m mourning the loss of my child. She received’t be coming dwelling the best way I envisioned, on, or close to this date. And it breaks my coronary heart in 1,000,000 methods, each second.
I knew my due date can be an terrible day. What mother deserves to face today, with no child on the horizon, or in her arms? It’s merciless, and hurts in locations in my coronary heart I by no means knew existed. These small and distant locations ache with vacancy and throb with pangs of “what if?”
What if this hadn’t occurred? What if she was right here?
And naturally, right this moment is all about “why?”
Why did this occur to us? Why did this occur to her?
Adopted by “how.”
How will I survive this? How can I transfer ahead from right here?
Solutions are arduous to return by right this moment. The heaviness of her absence appears like a thick fog I maneuver via, unwillingly. My thoughts is busy imagining an alternate universe through which she is wholesome, and right here. And I’m drained, however grateful, and so in love.
The one factor loss can’t take from me is that love, nonetheless. I really like my child a lot, it overwhelms the grief. And I get that; nothing and nobody can contact that love, or take it away from me.
So on my due date, that love is what I maintain onto.
And I attempt to inform myself that right this moment is simply one other day I’ve to face. Like all the opposite days since we mentioned goodbye to the dream of bringing our valuable child dwelling with us. Right this moment is not any completely different; day by day with out our daughter stretches out like time has slowed down, and seconds at the moment are hours.
Sadly, right this moment received’t be the toughest day. As a result of tomorrow is one other reminder that though my due date has handed, my child shouldn’t be right here. In a yr, she received’t be right here; a minimum of not in the best way I imagined.
As an alternative, right this moment, and day by day, I carry her in my coronary heart. I now reside for 2. She evokes me to maintain going. For her, in her honor. Every step I take right this moment, on her due date, and all days after right this moment, is for her.
I assume that’s the plan for surviving my due date; to do it for her. And to keep in mind that it’s only a date, that may’t presumably have extra energy over me than my love for her does, or than my drive to honor her life will, for so long as I stroll this earth, and till I finally get to carry her in my arms.
A date which can little doubt, be so lengthy overdue.